It was the warmth in you which first attracted me.
It was the kind of thing which I always wanted to be close to,
Because the night was so very cold without it.
I remember an evening,
Walking with you, on the way back from the cinema;
Hands interlocked
When such a thing was still new to us,
And we were talking about everything;
And I was falling ever deeper in love with you
With every sidled glance that I could steal.
That was when it was still easy,
Back when there was no fear of what you might think of me if I told you a secret.
Or more importantly,
What I might think of you.
We knew there would be an understanding,
Because we both wanted it.
That changed though, over time.
I don't know why, now;
But it became very important, what you thought of me.
And I began to place conditions on our love.
I've thought about all the angles,
And I honestly believe that the reason that I still break down at night
When I am alone,
Is because I know that I was wrong.
Even though all the evidence may say otherwise,
You were always more honest with me,
Because you embraced your demons,
Where I just pretended that I didn't have any.
And your parents loved me for it,
It made me easy to get along with;
But I haven't learned much in the past few years,
Other than how to not chase my dreams
And cultivate anxiety in a petrie dish.
You left a few hours ago,
You're gone to the other side of the world.
And I didn't want to write this any more,
Didn't really want to give it over to foreign eyes,
Because it seems so cliche and obscure,
And makes me feel like a failure.
As if there isn't enough heart break in the world that
I think it would matter for me to reveal mine.
Revelling in self-pity like an old junkie reading a Burroughs novel.
But the truth is
It helps.
And so then I guess it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks,
Because if I can start to face my demons here,
And call them out like I used to,
Maybe I can remember how to be brave,
And one day,
When I can stand to be near you and not want to cut my heart out at the same time,
I won't feel like I failed Love with you,
And I'll be confident and strong enough to know
That it's okay we're not together
And it's okay that I was wrong.
It was the kind of thing which I always wanted to be close to,
Because the night was so very cold without it.
I remember an evening,
Walking with you, on the way back from the cinema;
Hands interlocked
When such a thing was still new to us,
And we were talking about everything;
And I was falling ever deeper in love with you
With every sidled glance that I could steal.
That was when it was still easy,
Back when there was no fear of what you might think of me if I told you a secret.
Or more importantly,
What I might think of you.
We knew there would be an understanding,
Because we both wanted it.
That changed though, over time.
I don't know why, now;
But it became very important, what you thought of me.
And I began to place conditions on our love.
I've thought about all the angles,
And I honestly believe that the reason that I still break down at night
When I am alone,
Is because I know that I was wrong.
Even though all the evidence may say otherwise,
You were always more honest with me,
Because you embraced your demons,
Where I just pretended that I didn't have any.
And your parents loved me for it,
It made me easy to get along with;
But I haven't learned much in the past few years,
Other than how to not chase my dreams
And cultivate anxiety in a petrie dish.
You left a few hours ago,
You're gone to the other side of the world.
And I didn't want to write this any more,
Didn't really want to give it over to foreign eyes,
Because it seems so cliche and obscure,
And makes me feel like a failure.
As if there isn't enough heart break in the world that
I think it would matter for me to reveal mine.
Revelling in self-pity like an old junkie reading a Burroughs novel.
But the truth is
It helps.
And so then I guess it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks,
Because if I can start to face my demons here,
And call them out like I used to,
Maybe I can remember how to be brave,
And one day,
When I can stand to be near you and not want to cut my heart out at the same time,
I won't feel like I failed Love with you,
And I'll be confident and strong enough to know
That it's okay we're not together
And it's okay that I was wrong.